October 17, 2022 at 2:01 p.m.
HSJ Reflection: My Cancer Journey Continues…
By By Todd Grimes-
Considering the number of my family members who have been afflicted with cancer, the possibility of someday suffering from it myself had entered my mind. Even with those occasional thoughts, I was nowhere near prepared to hear that news. I thought it was much too early in my life. To say hearing my diagnosis of pancreatic cancer was a shock would be quite the understatement. It all seemed more than a bit surreal for quite some time.
However, following three lengthy hospital stays, a number of chemo sessions that took quite a toll on me both physically and mentally, and numerous other procedures at the hospital along the way - the reality of my situation has more than adequately settled in. I also know it is far from over. In fact, I don’t ever expect it to be fully over. I can’t imagine cancer ever not being a concern from this day forward – no matter how well things might turn out this time around…
Now, nearly three weeks post-surgery (Whipple procedure), I am recovering far better and faster than I thought. Then again, the surgery went very well and produced very positive results. What I have to look forward to now is setting a schedule for my last several chemo/bloodwork sessions. Even after I ring the bell following my last chemotherapy appointment (I hope sometime in early January), I know that my outlook on life will forever remain changed…in a good way.
In spite of increased anxiety/doubt, sleepless nights, and pain - these past five months have afforded me the opportunity to engage in an abundant time of reflection. As I alluded to in my first article on this topic, so many things seem more pronounced (in a good way) than ever before. Colors seem brighter, favorite songs move me even more, hugs are even more soothing, the smiles/laughter of grandsons bring even more joy…I feel very fortunate to have lived the life I have.
Jonathan Haidt, social psychologist and Professor of Ethical Leadership at New York University, has stated “people need adversity, setbacks, and perhaps even trauma to reach the highest levels of strength, fulfillment, and personal development.”
When recounting the story of a friend of his following a number of setbacks/traumatic events he had faced, Haidt stated his friend reported he began “reacting to others with much greater sympathy, love, and forgiveness. I just couldn’t get mad at people for little things anymore.”
I think those that know me well would agree when I say these past five months have served as an awakening. I would argue that my levels of strength, hope and courage have all been turned up a notch or two as a result of my setback. For that, I am very thankful.
In addition to the many readings and the ensuing reflections that they created since learning of my cancer; I make a point of watching a 12-minute clip at least once each week. That clip happens to be Jim Valvano (former college basketball coach) delivering his “Don’t Give Up…Don’t Ever Give Up” speech after receiving the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the 1993 ESPYs.
In spite of relative brevity, Valvano’s speech packed quite a punch (and remains as relevant as ever nearly 30 years later). In his speech, Valvano – who suffered from metastatic adenocarcinoma (glandular cancer first found in his spine and later spread to his neck, back, legs and hips) - delivered several power-packed points for anyone to consider. My favorite was the three things that he argued everyone should do each day.
Coach Valvano made the case that we should make it a point to LAUGH, THINK, & CRY each day. “If you laugh, and you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. If you do that seven days a week, you’ll have something special,” stated the former North Carolina State coach.
Thanks to family and friends, I have had no problem laughing each day. What a relief having a sense of humor provides when going through rough times. Most of my deepest thinking occurs during the quiet morning/evening times of each day or during (and after) engaging conversations with my wife. Having my emotions move me to tears is the only one of the three that I might be guilty of missing on a rare occasional day. However, it seems like if I do miss a day of shedding tears, I more than make up for it the next. They are typically tears of joy and thankfulness – and, boy, do they sure feel good to spill.
To close his speech – Valvano (founder of the V Foundation for Cancer Research which has raised nearly $300 million since its 1993 inception), made a case for raising money for cancer research while leaving yet another thought to long be remembered. “Cancer can take away my physical abilities. It cannot touch my mind, it cannot touch my heart, and it cannot touch my soul. Those three things are going to carry on forever.” Valvano passed away less than two months – at the age of 47 - after delivering his speech.
I’d like to think I’ve climbed the ladder to the top rung of the slide of my cancer journey to this point. Here’s hoping that it’s mostly downhill from here. However, I am not naïve enough to believe it will be all smooth sailing. I know there will be more ups and downs along the way. The good news is I will be better prepared to accept and deal with setbacks/bad news as they might occur.
I have to admit that anger, confusion, and denial were all a part of my daily existence early on in my journey with cancer. Not that they have all totally disappeared, but they have certainly dissipated considerably. I asked the questions such as: “Why me?” “Why now?” “What did I do to deserve this?” Those questions have been replaced with reassessing my priorities, more readily noticing those people and things in my life which I should not take for granted and be more thankful for, making a real effort to be more patient and understanding of others, taking the time (most days) to cry cleansing tears of joy, laughing, and smiling with others…
As Timothy Keller (founder of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in New York City) wrote in his book about the purpose of pain and suffering, “You will never really understand your heart when things are going well. It is only when things go badly that you can see it truly.”
In the same book, Keller astutely added, “Trials and troubles in life, which are inevitable, will either make you or break you. But either way, you will not remain the same.”
I certainly agree.
