My Last 10 Months

The last 10 months of my life have been a “thrill ride,” to say the least. However, it hasn’t been the kind of ride that enthusiasts might be willing to stand in line for a lengthy time in exchange for the adrenaline experience.

My “ride” has involved some small, gradual ups and downs combined with many very steep nerve-wracking, ups followed by super-fast downs into tunnels I thought I’d never emerge from. Heck, even several 360 upside-down loops have even been thrown in on occasion to give me just about all I could handle.

Since being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in the middle of last May, my life has not been the same as it was before. For a number of reasons, both positive and not-so positive, it never will return to my pre-cancer days. For one, I’m guessing I’ll always have the lingering doubt and paranoia of cancer returning somewhere. As a result, and as cliché as it might sound, I plan to make the most of however many days I might have left in this life.

I’ve come a long way since that day in May when I was told I had about a year to live and that I should get my affairs in order if I had not already done so. Now, I am happy to say I am in remission and my chemo treatments and surgeries are done – at least for now (and hopefully forever). I’ll continue to have regular scans and bloodwork to keep an eye out for any new signs of cancer.

Having come face-to-face with my own mortality, I have taken the time to reflect on my life like never before. It has also made me much more sensitive to the fragility of life for all of us. The so-called big things in life are now looked upon as relatively small. Sure, I still get upset over things, but it is typically short-lived after quickly putting them back in perspective.

One thing I had plenty of over these last several months – until being able to get back to work - is time. I’d like to think I did not waste it. One of the ways I spent my time in reflection was reading – LOTS.

I read several books over these last 10 months. I want to take the time to highlight just a few of those that I read by providing just a little “food for thought” from some of them.

Most of the “food” involves lessons and quotes about the importance of being kind, considerate, compassionate to others and keeping the faith/maintaining hope when the going gets rough for us in life.

Because of my fondness of history, and the lessons we can learn from studying it, the first two books I want to mention helped satisfy my nerd historian self while also providing much needed inspiration for me.

The first book I want to mention is about our 34th President. One of my favorite presidents, Dwight Eisenhower, was affectionately known as Ike. “How Ike Led” was written by one of his granddaughters, Susan. In it she wrote, “I learned from Ike that strong individuals might have to be tough, but that strength is not entirely defined by it. Kindness, even softness, can also be a sign of strength. It takes courage to open up oneself to seeing the world through other people’s eyes. Over the years, I noted literally countless things he did for people that could do nothing for him. His strong sense of empathy enabled him to connect to other people.”

The vital importance of nurturing my relationships with others is certainly one thing I have thought a lot about these last 10 months. Most definitely now, more than ever before, I stop to consider that others might be going through challenges and adversity in their lives that I might know nothing about. I feel my challenges with cancer have made me a more empathetic person. There’s no question my recent difficulties have helped me grow in areas I had arguably become complacent.

Jon Meacham’s Pulitzer Prize winning book, “His Truth is Marching On: John Lewis and the Power of Hope” also provided me with many valuable lessons and insights about history and life. Lewis was a lifetime civil rights activist and long-time Congressman from Georgia until his death (from pancreatic cancer) in 2020. In the book, Meacham wrote, “Lewis’ message to America in the 20th and 21st centuries turned history on its head. LOVE, not power should have pride of place; GENEROSITY not greed; KINDNESS, not cruelty.”

In addition to the history books I have read, I have also indulged in a few books that might be considered a part of the feel-good, self-help genre. These books have helped feed my spiritual well-being. I return to parts of each of them frequently when I feel myself needing re-fueled.

I am very thankful to my wife for providing one such book that I read “The Beethoven Factor: The New Positive Psychology of Hardiness, Happiness, Healing and Hope”. The book contains stories of individuals that overcame a variety of examples of extraordinary adversity, including Beethoven who wrote many of his best-loved symphonies while being totally deaf.

Inside the book’s front flap it reads, “…for centuries poets and philosophers have celebrated the ups and downs of life as the very essence of living, the spice that enables us to live life fully.” These past several months have only reinforced the idea to me that it wasn’t only about overcoming my cancer. It was most importantly what I chose to fill my mind with while going through it. That has made a lasting positive impact on me.

Another book provided to me by a great friend “Walking with God through Pain and Suffering” has provided me with long lasting lessons as well. In it, Timothy Keller reminds his readers of the harsh realities that life so often involves. “Human life is fatally fragile and subject to forces beyond our power to manage. Life is tragic.” In consideration of that, Keller emphasizes that those faced with suffering and pain need support. He argues that we all need SUPPORT if we are not to succumb to despair. The social, emotional and spiritual support I received from others has been a real game changer for me. I consider myself incredibly fortunate and am eternally grateful for that support.

Yet another book I “consumed” “The Simple Faith of Mr. Rogers: Spiritual Insights from the World’s Most Beloved Neighbor” was chock-full of timeless

wisdom from the former children’s television show host. The book’s content provided frequent reminders of the notion that Fred Rogers often emphasized; we all have gifts but all too often don’t take the time to create silence for ourselves to reflect on what those gifts are. He considered his gift as being a quiet, still and patient model of constancy for others.

Though so many of Rogers’ morsels of wisdom stuck with me, one stands out more than the others. “There’s one thing evil can’t stand, and that’s FORGIVENESS,” stated Rogers. Thanks to Mr. Rogers I did spend a lot of time in solitary, quiet and intentional reflection.

A former colleague and current friend of mine introduced me to another book I found particularly useful, thought-provoking and inspirational. I have revisited parts of the international bestseller “Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy” on numerous occasions. In it, author Mo Gawdat was inspired to write and write and write…following the tragic loss of his son. His topic: HAPPINESS. The former Chief Business Officer of Google came to the realization that he had become a hamster on the “hedonic treadmill” as he kept chasing happiness outside himself with what I now like to call “stuff” and “things.”

According to Gawdat, “Happiness is finding PEACE and being okay with life exactly as it is.” I can safely say I have never been at more peace with my life than what I have chosen to become over these last several months. It is a calm feeling of existence that I am determined to hang onto for the remainder of my days – however many those might be…