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If I had to pick which shape time most closely resembles, I would most certainly argue in favor of a circle. Here we are in the present moment, caught between a past there is no going back to and a future that is full of one uncertainty after another.

There is no doubt about it - we often go back-and-forth between our past, present and future. We have good reasons to do so. However, when you get right down to it - all any of us has is NOW. Life is unpredictable. In fact, some (or many/most - including myself) might say trying to predict the future is simply nothing more than a futile gesture.

Over the past 18 months, I have grown accustomed to living life three months at a time. Not only have I gotten used to it; I would even say I prefer it. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’d ever wish it upon anyone else (especially for the reason why I have to do so). However, I do think a similar approach to life could potentially provide a number of psychological benefits to many willing to give the approach a try. Please allow me to explain…

Shortly after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in May 2022, I was told by my hospital oncologist I had 12 (18 at most) months to live and that was only if I agreed to the most aggressive course of chemotherapy available. Long story short - that did not turn out to be the case. I still underwent the aggressive chemotherapy, but it turned out I did qualify for surgery as the cancer had not spread like they thought it had. Needless to say, I’m still here a little over two years later with the cancer assumed to be in remission for the moment.

At this point, I go back for rather extensive blood work and scans every three months. Signs of me “being in the clear” have not stabilized as of yet. Things are still in a state of flux. In the recent past, I’ve had a liver biopsy, new spots on my lungs are appearing and others are growing, tumor markers are on an upward trend…Until those concerns start to hold steady, I’ll be stuck in my three-month loop.

It took some time to get used to the idea of being given three months to live. However, I have chosen to look at it as a gift. I do hope to be spread out to every six months (or even perhaps a year) at some point, but I will make the most of “the cards I have been dealt” for NOW.

I do my best to live life in the present tense. I make every effort to thoroughly enjoy each day while trying to refrain from looking backwards too often or making plans too far into the future. I feel that my experience has made me more sensitive to the variety of struggles that plague so many. No doubt I still slip up from time-to-time when my patience wears thin or I become angry/upset with others, but it seems like I can more quickly gather my sense and return to “baseline” compared to my pre-cancer days.

At the risk of sounding perhaps a bit overly dramatic, on that fateful day in May 2022, I was prepared to die (and remain so). On a daily basis, the thought of death crosses my mind frequently. It keeps me grounded and focused on NOW. It keeps me grateful for what I have and what was once “good enough” is now good. I have three more months of life to hold precious. Sure, I get more than a bit anxious as the next round of exams creeps closer for each “loop of life” I live. Still, oddly enough, it helps me to feel more alive.

The reality I deal with every day could not be more succinctly stated than Kate Bowler did in her book - "No Cure for Being Human". Bowler wrote, “I am a reminder of the thought that is difficult for the rational brain to accept: our bodies might fail at any moment."

Life is fragile. Though it is incredibly cliche to say, I have learned to live in the moment. What could possibly matter more than this day? Accepting my finite time in this life has made what was once considered the typical, routine & even downright humdrum stand out - often providing me with a feeling of “living out loud.”

I would argue life is not always about staying positive. It is about being realistic and accepting that much of our life lies beyond our control. I remember having read once upon a time that dying makes philosophers of us all. Over the past year or so, I certainly have been doing my share of reading about many different philosophers/philosophies - including Marcus Aurelius and the ancient Stoics. A commonplace teaching of Stoicism was (and still is), “What upsets people is not things themselves but their judgements about things.” Suffice it to say my perspective on life has taken quite a turn. When I realized that my reaction to cancer was not automatic, but rather a choice I could make - things became clearer and easier for me to accept (including the notion of my death). The daily awareness and contemplation of my own impermanence has enabled me to live more fully.

I’ll sum things up with another “gem” that has stuck with me from Bowler’s "No Cure for Being Human". “So often the experiences that define us are the ones we don’t pick.”

I didn’t choose to live my life in a loop. However, I would not change a thing about it.