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I would argue that when it comes right down to it, all any of us have is TIME.

What we choose to do with the TIME we are given is up to each of us as individuals.

Some days we might wish for TIME to speed up - yet on others we might wish for TIME to slow down. Most of us have even had moments - here and there - that we wish could stand still.

However, none of those are possible as time keeps marching on to its own steady pace. At least I think it does…

In just over the last four years, TIME has taken on new meaning for me. It has certainly become a more fuzzy and static abstract. Now, it has become harder for me to distinguish one day from the next. The time of day means very little anymore, what day of the week it is means even less.

It was about 50 months ago - lying in my hospital bed - when I learned of my pancreatic cancer diagnosis. I remember going a bit numb, but I also recall feeling an overwhelming sense of peace shortly thereafter. As comedian/actor Martin Short stated in his documentary - Marty - Life is Short - “In life there are times when you hit a green light and others when you hit a red.” Suffice it to say I came to a screeching halt when I hit the reddest light of my life that day. TIME seemed to stand still as I waited for the light to (hopefully) change again.

TIME has become more a state of being and less about where the hands on a clock might be positioned. To be honest, it is no longer useful for me to spend much TIME thinking about the future. It arguably means even less to ponder the past. Yes - both pleasant and not-so pleasant memories serve their purpose - but wanting to take back certain decisions and actions is a fruitless (and impossible) endeavor.

As a result of LIVING with one of the deadliest cancers, it has become much easier for me to be wholly present in the current moment. We’ve all heard of the importance of living in the present and being mindful in order to appreciate life to its fullest extent. Living in such a complex world with so many distractions, it’s not an easy task. However, I can assure you that being mindful becomes much easier when you know you are DYING.

I’m not quite sure how/why I am still alive, but knowing, acknowledging and accepting my death is near allows me to LIVE from one day to the next. I’m many more times aware of my senses being heightened/altered from one moment to the next. I made a real conscious effort to be mindful prior to becoming terminally ill, but it was difficult for me to consistently concentrate on the present moment with so many past regrets and a future full of uncertainties. It’s not an easy thing to focus on the HERE and NOW in our largely death avoidant culture. As unsettling as it can sometimes be, I’ve found nothing better to humble me than being reminded - on a daily basis - that the cards are stacked against us all and death is going to win.

LIVING in the moment is still not habitual for me. It requires practice and effort. However, it has paid off. I consider becoming more mindful - and all the dividends that come with it - one of the many gifts I have received as a result of the adversity and many challenges I have faced over these last few years. As former neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi simply stated in his book - When Breath Becomes Air - “Until I actually die, I am still living.” Kalanithi - who died of lung cancer in his late 30s - went on to succinctly add, “We are never so wise as when we live in this moment.”

When we LIVE in this moment and practice real, honest-to-goodness mindfulness, we are less likely to miss what we otherwise might overlook and/or take for granted.

Hospice/palliative care physician, BJ Miller, once stated in a TED talk that “beauty can be found anywhere.” The author of "A Beginner’s Guide to the End" has observed over the years in his work with the Zen Hospice project that life’s “little things aren’t so little.” Miller went on to add, “One of the most tried and true interventions that we know of is to bake cookies.” When we make the effort to actively engage with our senses at any moment, life can look, feel and seem a whole lot different than it does when we merely coast along as passive observers.

Waking up in pain (on most days it is an 8/9 on a 10 scale) and with very little sleep under my belt makes no other project - other than making a cup of coffee and consuming a small bowl of granola seem tenable on any given day. The harsh reality is, given my current circumstances, I also know any given day might also be my last.

As Kalanithi wrote after living with cancer for a few months as his disease progressed steadily, “Having a severe illness wasn’t just life-altering, it was life-shattering.” I can certainly say the same. However, I would add that living with a terminal illness isn’t all gloom and doom. As I have said many times throughout many conversations, in many ways I have never felt so alive as I have these past 4+ years. As Greek philosopher, Epictetus (50 - 135 AD), once wrote - “Don’t hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen; this is the path to peace.”

Former U.S. Senator (Nebraska) and University of Florida President - Ben Sasse - found out in December he had metastatic pancreatic cancer. For NOW, he is currently doing well on a remarkable new drug (Daraxonrasib) used to treat the disease. In one of his many recent interviews, Sasse commented he feels that getting cancer has been a touch of grace for him. It has given him - a man of great faith - the opportunity to acknowledge that he is a broken man. I echo those sentiments. Sasse’s diagnosis has provided him the opportunity to reflect and spend whatever TIME he has left in self-discovery and “putting himself in a position to do the most good and help others.”

As for me, I plan to continue working on myself, doing as much good as I can for others and appreciating what life has to offer in whatever little TIME I have left. I want to be the best version of myself as possible when the day arrives for me to be at eternal peace.